Horry Pattor and the Parody of the Third Book
by Aenea
Summary: Parody of Prisoner of Azkaban- recommended reading by...well, no one, but read it anyway!!!


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I do own Horry Pattor.  Yay me.  All the stuff that I don't own belongs to someone else.  Yeah.**

**Summary:**** Parody of the third Harry Potter book, featuring totally unrealistic characters and liberal amounts of insanity.  Let the games begin!!!**

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**Horry Pattor and the Escaped Murderer who just happens to be Innocent…and Horry's godfather**

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Lamp Post

Horry Pattor was a very unusual boy in many ways.  For one thing, he hated summer holidays more than any other time of year.  For another, he really wanted to do his homework.  And finally, he had 5 eyes, 6 arms and 3 mouths.  Horry had some "friends" called Runt Weasel and Whoremyownninny Granger.  Runt had tried to ring Horry at the start of the holidays, but had accidentally rang Pizza Hut instead.  But no one ever said that Runt was smart, only ugly and annoying.  Suddenly Horry's owl, Owl (what an original name) arrived with some letters for Horry.  Horry opened the one from Hogwarts.

_Dear Mr Pattor,_

_Please note that the new school year will begin soon.  The Hogwarts Express will leave from Platform 9.256546351354324698453253735473576357 at precisely 10 minutes, 4 seconds and 12 milliseconds past 11.  _

_Turd years…I mean third years are allowed to visit the village of Hogsmeat sometimes, but you have to get your parents to sign a note.  Except Mr. Pattor, cos his parents are dead.  He has to get his horrible, fat, ugly and overall not nice Uncle to sign it.  Here's a list of your school supplies._

Horry scrunched up the letter and threw it on the floor, then opened the parcel from Hagridette.  A letter and a book fell out.  Horry ignored the book and opened the letter.

"Dear Horry,

'Ere's yer book fer school.  I 'ope yeh enjoy it, cos if yeh don' yer a lil turd.  Be'er be orf nuffin summat.  

-Yer fre-ind 

Hagridette.

Horry frowned at the letter, then picked up the book.  It opened its mouth and bit his hand off.  Horry screamed like a pansy girl and fainted.

Aunt Marge's Big Steak

****

Horry went down to breakfast when he heard the television.  He stopped to listen.

_"Seriously Black, murderer of 198237421904872139487 people and one cat, has escaped from Azkaban…I mean, prison.  He is armed with a wand…I mean, gun and is probably heading to Horry Pattor's house, seeing as he's Horry's godfather and all.  But Horry doesn't know that; so don't tell him unless your name is Dragon Malformed.  Okay, toodles!"_

Horry sat down at the table.

"I hate you so much that I've invited Aunt Marge around," said Uncle Vernon.  Horry stared for a minute, then screamed again.  He screamed for so long that Vernon agreed to sign a form if he would just shut up and not scream again all holidays.  Horry stopped screaming at once and agreed.

Aunt Marge arrived for the summer.  She was very fat, and all she ever did was eat, so the Dursley's were constantly serving dinner.  One night, Marge got absolutely wasted.  She turned to Horry.

"Your parents fought the evillest wizard of all time," she taunted.  Horry tried to remain calm but it was a close thing.

"They were lovely people, and were horribly murdered by Lord Voldemortimer," she continued, waving a glass of brandy at Horry.  Something inside him snapped.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS LIKE THAT!!" He screamed shrilly.  Aunt Marge blew up, and Horry ran away.  Loser.

The Knight's Pus 

****

Horry felt like a bit of a mong for running away- he could have threatened the Dursleys some more first.  Suddenly a huge dog appeared in front of him, and Horry screamed like a girl some more.  Then he fell over for no apparent reason.  On the way down, he poked his tongue out and a bus appeared out of nowhere.  It had a giant picture of a Knight with lots of pus, and a label that said "The Knight Pus".  Horry told the driver his name was Neville Fatbum and climbed aboard.

He arrived at The Wizard's Pub So Don't Tell Them Muggles Where It Is, where he found some fudge.  And Fudge.  Horry ate the Fudge and talked to fudge…or is it the other way around?  Anyway, Horry got away with breaking the law cos everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse.  

The Wizard's Pub So Don't Tell Them Muggles Where It Is 

****

Horry was allowed visit Straight Alley everyday as punishment for breaking the law.  He saw many things, but there was one thing he wanted the most.  It was a Godfrey's Super Suction Vacuum Cleaner- the latest magical improvement on brooms.  Horry really wanted to buy it, but if he had he would have been poorer than the Weasels, and that's saying a lot.

Anyway, Horry went to buy his books.

"I need _'Divination for Dummies, Volume 2'_, '_Intermediate Disfiguration', _and _'Standard Book of Spills, Grade 3'_" Horry said.  The man frowned at him.

"This is a pet store," he said, then kicked Horry out.  Fortunately Runt Weasel and Whoremyownninny found him (a week later) and helped him buy his things.  Whoremalskdjfhasklfh;aldkfjas;dfninny bought herself a pet tiger for her birthday, and Runt chucked a hissy fit.

Oh yeah, and Runt's brother Pansy, was made Bighead Boy.  And that murderer on the loose is after Horry.  Everyone went to school.

The Demented

****

Everyone went to school, on the train.  Horry, Runt and Whoreaksdfkajf;kafninny shared a cabin on the train with a new teacher.  The new teacher's name was Professor I'm-A-Werewolf-But-Don't-Tell-Anyone-Or-I'll-Lose-My-Job.  Dragon Malformed came along with his friends Shellfish and Gargoyle to make fun of Horry, but then they ran away.  

When they were nearly at school the train stopped.  All the lights went out and Horry screamed like a girl (AGAIN!).  Professor I'm-A-Werewolf-But-Don't-Tell-Anyone-Or-I'll-Lose-My-Job (Professor Werewolf-Dude for short) told everyone to shut the f**k up.  Then a Demented came into the cabin.  Horry stopped screaming like a girl…and passed out like a girl instead.  Everyone laughed at him.

At dinner Dumbwindow announced that Hagridette (the strange, ugly giant thing of indeterminate gender that worked as the Gamekeeper) was the new Daring Magical Creatures teacher, and that Professor Werewolf-Dude was the new Defence against the Dark Farts teacher.  Horry went to bed.

Claws and Coffee

****

Horry, Runt and Whoreaaslkduf;ejnvakhvajhziuyiaadfhaksjninny went to Divination class, where everyone decided that Horry was going to die.  Horry didn't like this, but there was nothing he could do about it cos he's a loser.  Then they went to Disfiguration, where Professor McDonalds called Professor Treelawnknee a washed up old fraud with fugly glasses.  Finally they had Daring Magical Creatures.  

Hagridette had gotten some Hippogriffs, and the class were daring them to do stuff.  Then Malformed dared his to attack him, and it ripped his arm off.  Now Malformed is even more Malformed.  So the lesson finished early and everyone went to dinner and ate Malformed's arm.

The Faggot in the Closet

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Malformed came back to school later on, during Lotions class.  Snapette had ditched his usual outfit of a pink, sequined ball gown, purple stilettos and a tiara.  Instead s/he was wearing a tight, white singlet top and even tighter, fluffy pink jogging pants.  S/he had pulled his/her hair back with a fluffy pink headband and attached it there with a sparkly pink butterfly.  S/he even had matching socks and shoes.  It looked prettyful.

"You look lovely today, sir…miss…professor," said Malformed.

"Really?" asked Snapette.  "I was going for a more athletic look without losing any of my femininity."

"Well, you look ravishing," Malformed informed Snapette.

"Thank you.  78643573543576354357354 points for Thenastyhouse for being such a bunch of sweethearts," said Snapette.  "And I'm taking 8765435753573546873 points from Gryffinwindow for not complimenting me," he continued.  Horry would have complained, but he wasn't paying attention.  But he can get away with that, cos everything's about Horry.  Horry Horry Horry.

After Lotions (where they had just learnt to make an age-defying wrinkle lotion), they went to Defence Against the Dark Farts.  

"There's a Faggot in this closet," said Professor Werewolf-Dude.  Whorelakdjfladfkja;sldkfjasfkjsdfkjsfjkmyownninny showed off how much of a square she was again, then Neville Fatbum had to defeat the faggot. 

Professor Werewolf-Dude opened the closet and the faggot climbed out.  Runt began to snicker.

"I always wondered when Snapette would come out of the closet," he said as Snapette looked around the room.   They all laughed, and Snapette ran away crying.

"Congratulations on defeating the Faggot, I'll be awarding 999999999999999999999 points to Gryffinwindow," said Professor Werewolf-Dude.

"But we're not in Gryffinwindow, we're in Huffandpuffandblowyourhousedown," said a boy in the back, but then all the Gryffinwindows killed him.

Flight of the Fat Lady (I don't imagine she'd get very far, what with being fat and everything…oh well, if she wants to fly I'm not stopping her)

****

All the third years except Horry went to Hogsmeat.  Seriously Black tried to get into Gryffinwindow tower, but the Fat Lady told him to bugger off.  So he slashed the picture with a toothpick and threw it out the window.  The Fat Lady flew over Hagridette's "house" and landed in the Forbidden Forest.

Horry's a Loser

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There was a massive sleepover in the Great Hall, then a Quidditch match.  Horry saw a Demented and fainted like a girl.  He fell 46573535743573654354357354357654 kilometres to the ground, just like the year before except this time Clockart didn't remove all the bones from his head.  Horry's broom went flying into the Tree That Hits People.  It seems that the Tree That Hits People hits brooms as well.  Horry's broom was destroyed.

The Map that will be very important in later stories

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Horry, who was still devastated over the tragic demise of his broom, became even more depressed when a Hogsmeat weekend came up- he couldn't go because he'd run away before Uncle Vernon signed the note.  Everyone laughed at Horry until he sat in the doorway to the Gryffinwindow common room and bawled.  He wouldn't let anyone go past, so Fred and George gave him a present to make him shut up and move.  Horry was thrilled.

It was a Map That Will Be Very Important In Later Stories- with it Horry could go to Hogsmeat.  So he did, because the rules do not apply to Horry.  Horry can get away with everything, cos everyone loves Horry.  Stupid Horry.  Anyway, The-Boy-Who-Lived-(Unfortunately) went to Hogsmeat, and found out that his father's best friend was a traitor, murdered another one of his dad's friends and was an overall nasty bastard.  Horry was really pissed off even though he couldn't talk- his best friends were a goody two shoes square and a pov loser.

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Godfrey's Super Suction Vacuum Cleaner****

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Horry was pissed off at the world in general, and Whorealkjdflaksjfasldkfjasd;fljninny and Runt had to talk him out of going on a murderous rampage.  Instead they went to Hagridette's hut, where they found out that the Hippogriff that mauled Malformed was getting a medal.  They were horrified and immediately went to work on saving the Hippogriff (who's name was Buckteeth).

Suddenly, and for no reason at all, it was Christmas, and Horry got a Godfrey's Super Suction Vacuum Cleaner to replace his tragically dismembered Numbbits 2000.  Horry was thrilled, and Whorealdkfjalskfjalkjfninny hated it when Horry was happy, so she made up a bullshite lie so that it would be confiscated.  Horry was devastated.

The Patronising Git

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The Quidditch Captain for Gryffinwindow, Oliver I'm-the-hottest-guy-in-the-movie-so-there was horrified that the vacuum cleaner was confiscated, so he complained.  All this got him was a smacked bottom.

Horry decided to learn how to fight Dementeds, so he asked Professor Werewolf-Dude for help.  They stole another Faggot and used it so Harry could learn how to summon a Patronising Git.  All Horry managed to summon was Pansy Weasel (Runt's older brother), cos Horry sucks at magic. 

Runt's rat, Scabs, was eaten by Whorealdkjfalskfjaskdfninny's cat, and Runt decided to hate Whorealdkfjalkfjlasdkfjasdf;lkajdsfninny for the rest of his life.

Gryffinwindow plays Quidditch against that other house (not Thenastyhouse or Huffandpuffandblowyourhousedown)

****

Runt was even more depressed about his dead rat than Horry was about his Numbbits 2000, so everyone ignored him.  Then it was time for Quidditch.  Horry rode his new vacuum cleaner (cos there was nothing wrong with it), and Gryffinwindow won.  They had a massive party, with grog, drugs, bands and a mosh pit until Professor McDonalds came in and told them to shut the f**k up.  So everyone went to bed.

While they were sleeping, Runt was stabbed 1387 times by Seriously Black, and Neville got into shiteloads of trouble for giving Seriously Black the passwords.  

Snapette's Hissy Fit

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Horry, being the nasty little bastard that he is, went back to town and threw mud at Malformed.  But he had forgotten the hood that came with the Invisibility Cloak, and Malformed saw him.  Malformed told Snapette, who had a hissy fit and broke a nail.  But somehow Horry managed to get out of trouble, and gave Professor Werewolf-Dude the Map That Will Be Very Important In Later Stories for absolutely no reason.

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The Quidditch Final, Which Everyone Knows Gryffinwindow is going to win

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Gryffinwindow won the Quidditch final, which was totally obvious.  There was another party, but Whoremasdlfkjasldfjsadlkfj;sladkjf;lasdfninny was too stressed out (cos while everyone else does 9 classes, she does 3527357657357 classes, and her exams were coming up- ha ha ha!) and she had a tantrum.  Now everyone hates Whorealdksfal;skdjflaskdjfninny, not just Runt.

Professor Treelawnknee's Prediction- Part One (the part that has nothing to do without anything to do with the prediction whatsoever)

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It was exams time, and the first exam they had was Disfiguration.  They had to maim themselves and leave a permanent scar.  Everyone was worried when they came out.

"Are permanent scars meant to heal?" asked Neville Fatbum.

"My knife scar looked more like a burn scar," said Whoreaadkfjasldkfninny, pissing everyone off even more.  Horry wasn't worried though- he already had a permanent scar disfiguring his face, that's bound to count for something.

After Disfiguration, they had a Charms exam, where they had to perform a Cheering charm.  Horry overdid his, and Runt had to be taken to the mental asylum laughing maniacally.  When Runt returned he had forgotten how to do one, so he just did some cheerleading instead.

The next exam was Daring Magical Creatures, where they had to dare a Flabberwyrm to since the national anthem while doing the chicken dance without a break.  If their Flabberwyrm hadn't died of exhaustion by the end of 78 years then they passed.  For Lotions class, they had to make an extremely effective leg shaving cream that both moisturised and exfoliated.  If you failed you got to keep yours, and if you passed then Snapette took them to "put on display".  (_Author's Note: For several months later Snapette boasted perfectly smooth legs with out a hint of scaliness.)_

They had some other exams, including the Defence Against the Dark Farts exam that Horry beat Whorealdkjfa;lksdjf;asdfninny in- Horry never let her live it down.  Finally Horry had his Divination exam.  He had to look into the crystal ball and tell Professor Treelawnknee what he saw.  Horry saw the end of the world, so Professor Treelawnknee gave him full marks.

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Professor Treelawnknee's Prediction- Part Two (the part with the actual prediction in it)

Horry was about to leave when he heard a hoarse voice behind him.  __

_It will happen next year._

Horry wheeled around.  Professor Treelawnknee had gone rigid in her armchair; her eyes were unfocused and her mouth sagging.  Her eyes started to roll.  Horry was about to run as fast as his little legs would carry him when he heard the voice again.

_The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it 'the Riddle house', even though it had been many years since the Riddle family had lived there.  It stood on a hill overlooking the village, some of its windows boarded, tiles missing from its roof, and ivy spreading unchecked over its face.  Once a fine-looking manor, and easily the largest and grandest building for miles around, the Riddle house now damp, derelict and unoccupied…_

Horry sat back down on the armchair.  It looked like he would be here for a while…

_…The Little Hangletons all agreed that the old house was 'creepy'.  Half a century ago something strange and horrible had happened there, something the older inhabitants of the village still liked to discuss when topics for gossip were scarce…_

Horry glanced down at his watch and slumped in his seat.

**4 hours later**

_'Eurgh' just about summed up the Blast-Ended Skrewts, in Horry's opinion.  They looked like deformed shell-less lobsters, horribly pale and slimy-looking, with legs sticking out in very odd places and no visible heads.  There were about a hundred of them in each crate, each about six inches long, crawling over each other, bumping blindly into the sides of the boxes.  They were giving off a powerful smell of rotting fish.  Every now and then, sparks would fly out of the end of a Skrewt and, with a small_ phut_, it would be propelled forwards several inches._

_"On'y jus' hatched," said Hagridette proudly, "so yeh'll be able ter-"_

Horry snored loudly and shifted in his seat, some drool running down his chin.

**7 hours later**

_"Ignore it," Whoremyownninny said in a dignified voice, holding her head in the air and stalking past the sniggering Thenastyhouse girls as though she couldn't hear them.  "Just ignore it, Horry."_

_But Horry couldn't ignore it.  Runt hadn't spoken to him at all since he had told him about Snapette's detentions.  Horry had half hoped they'd make things up during the two hours they were forced to pickle rats brains in Snapette's dungeon, but that had been the day Rita's article had appeared, which seemed to have confirmed Runt's belief that Horry was really enjoying all the attention…_

Horry woke up with a start, frowned around the room then settled himself back down again.  Within minutes he had returned to the land of nod.

**1809870914 hours later**

_Horry took the goblet and drank a few mouthfuls.  He felt himself becoming drowsy at once.  Everything around him became hazy; the lamps around the hospital wing seemed to be winking at him in a friendly way through the screen around his bed; his body felt as though it was sinking deeper into the warmth of the feather mattress.  Before he could finish the Potion, before he could say another word, his exhaustion had carried him off to sleep…_

Horry snored on, completely oblivious to the fact that several days, months, years, decades, centuries even, had passed while he slept.

**6 hours, 4 minutes and 12 seconds later**

_Horry winked at them, turned to Uncle Vernon, and followed him silently from the station.  There was no point worrying yet, he told himself, as he got into the back of the Dursleys car.  As Hagridette had said, what would come would come…and he would have to meet it when it did._

Horry's head slipped off his hand and he awoke with a start.  He glanced around the room.  It seemed Professor Treelawnknee had finally finished predicting the next year of Horry's life, and she stopped having a strange seizure.

"Must have dozed off there," she said, adjusting her fugly glasses.

"You just predicted that next year Ireland will win the Quidditch World Cup, and that the Dark Mark will be sent into the air during the celebrations.  You said there'd be no Quidditch matches at school cos of the Triwizard Tournament, although I'll have to compete as well cos of an evil plot.  The cup at the end of the third task will be a portkey, whisking Cedric Degree and me to face Lord Voldemortimer, who will return to full strength and murder Cedric.  I will narrowly escape with my life and take Cedric's body back to his parents.  Then the Death Eater at Hogwarts will be unmasked as Professor Moody, except it's not really Moody, it's Barty Crouch's son whose been taking Polyjuice Potion.  Dumbwindow will send Hagridette and Snapette away on secret missions.  In a side note- Whoremyoaslkdfjaklsjf;akfninny will get a boyfriend, Hagridette is a half-giant and Runt hates his new dress robes," said Horry without stopping for breath.  He nearly passed out, and doubled over for a few minutes.

"I would never predict anything as vague as that.  Now leave!" said Professor Treelawnknee.  Horry left, and no one noticed that he'd been gone for approximately 210 millennia.  

****

Horry and his loser pals went to visit Hagridette, where they found Runt's rat Scabs (who wasn't really dead, only on a long holiday to the milk jug).  Then Hagridette kicked them out so they wouldn't see Buckteeth get a medal as it would be a horrible sight that would torment them for years to come.

Cat, Rat, Dodo Bird, Werewolf, Owl, Dinosaur, Stag, Reindeer, Panda, Kangaroo and Dog

Buckteeth didn't actually get a medal, he got killed.  Oh well.  Then a cat came and stole the rat and brought it to a dog.  The dog turned out to be Seriously Black (as well as being seriously black), and it broke Runt's leg.  Runt cried and Horry called him a wuss.  

The dog turned into a human, and grabbed Scabs.  Then Professor Werewolf-Dude came in and announced that Seriously Black was really a nice guy, and that he was a werewolf.  Seriously Black said that the rat was another person, called Peter Petticoat.

Teacher, Traitor, Escaped Convict and Horry's Father

Werewolf-Dude and Seriously Black told Horry about how his father and his friends had broken shiteloads of rules.  They were just about to force Peter Petticoat to reveal himself when Snapette gatecrashed the party.

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The Slave of Lord Voldemortimer

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Everyone attacked Snapette, and s/he died.  Then Peter Petticoat turned into a human.  Werewolf-Dude and Seriously Black were about to kill him when Horry realised that if they didn't Peter could escape, return to Lord Voldemortimer and give the author a plot for the next book.  So he stopped them from killing him, and instead everyone chained himself or herself to Werewolf-Dude, ignoring the fact that it was a full moon and he was a werewolf.

The Demented Kiss

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Well, seeing as it was full moon and Werewolf-Dude was a werewolf, everything went bad.  Werewolf-Dude went all furry and ran off, Seriously Black ran after him, Peter Petticoat attacked Runt, escaped and Horry and Whasdkfjalsdkfja;sdklfniunny just stood there like morons.  After awhile some Dementeds attacked Seriously Black, so Horry ran after them.  One of the Dementeds fell in love with Horry and tried to kiss him, but a giant Patronising Git ran around and defeated them.  Then Horry fainted like a girl.

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Whoremyownninny's Secret

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Nothing was going right and it didn't look like there was going to be a happy ending, so when Horry and Whoremadlfkjasdlkfjasdlkfjasninny woke up they turned back time using an illegal time Machine that Whoremasdfkjasdkfjaklsf;ninny "found".  Then they rescued Buckteeth, so it looks like he didn't really die.  They screwed around for a bit (it turned out that Horry was the one who summoned the giant Patronising Git, which took the form of his father- apparently James Pattor had been a patronising git when he was alive), and then rescued Seriously Black before the Demented could kiss him.  Then they went back to bed and ate some chocolate.

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Lamp Post Again

****

There was a happy ending after all- none of the good guys died and Gryffinwindow won the house cup again.  Horry passed all his classes (but was a lot poorer- bribes can really add up), and then they went home.  On the train Horry got a letter, delivered by a really pov owl.

"We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, I wonder who it's from?" sang Horry loudly, shattering several windows.  The letter was from Seriously Black.  Horry read it out loud.

_Dear Horry, _

_I hope this reaches you at your aunt and uncle's place; it would be funny to see the looks on their faces.  It probably wont though- I'm not sure you'll even get this at all, that owl is really pov…_

_Buckteeth and I are hiding, I wont tell you where though.  So ignore the return address, pretend it's not there.   I think the Dementeds are still searching for me- there's one that really seems to have the hots for me that just wont stop looking.  _

_I just wanted to tell you that it was me who sent you the Vacuum cleaner.  I saw your bedroom and thought you should clean it.  So I held up a bank and stole shiteloads of money, then bought it for you.  _

_Oh yeah, you know have permission to go to Hogsmeat.  I said so._

_I think your friend Runt should have this owl, cos it's pov and so's he.  Toodles!_

_Seriously Black._

"Yoink!" yelled Runt, snatching Owl from Horry.  Horry snatched it back and pointed at the pov owl that had delivered the letter.

"You're meant to have that shite owl," he said.

"But that owl's pov!" Runt complained.

"So are you.  You're perfect for each other," said Horry.  So Runt took the pov owl, and they went home.

THE END


End file.
